12/14/12

 It has been 1 week since the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School. 

7 days since 20 school children and 7 adults were taken too soon. 

7 nights that 20 families didn't get to tuck in their little one.

168 hours since we all heard the news. 

So why do I feel like I just found out? 

Why am I still on the verge of tears whenever I look at my daughter?  

Why was I crying as I wrote her teacher's Christmas card,
thanking her for all that she does?

The last time I can recall being this emotional about a national tragedy was September 11th.
I cried on and off for the loss of thousands, for about a week.
I constantly watched the news.
I wondered, why?
 
But this feels different.
This really hits home.
I have a six year old daughter.
She is in 1st grade, like the victims.
She attends a 1st - 4th grade school, like Sandy Hook Elementary.
 Her classroom is the first one you come to when you enter the school,
like the victims' classrooms.

Last Friday a little bit after 11am I went on Facebook.
The first posts I saw were all about some terrible breaking news.
I immediately turned on CNN.
I sat on the couch for the next four hours watching and crying.
Wondering why and how someone could do that to children.
My husband came home and we watched, talked and cried together.
I wanted to turn off the TV, but I just couldn't.

Around 3 o'clock I had to pull myself together.
It was time to pick my daughter up from school.
Walking to her school I tried to fight back the tears.
As cars passed by I'd raise my sunglasses and wipe away the tears.
Walking up the front steps to the school I felt an overwhelming sadness.
Inside parents were chatting like usual.
Everyone seemed like it was just another day.
I wondered if they'd heard the news.
For fear of bursting into tears I made a point not to look at anyone.
Then I heard the bell ring and waited to see that smiling face walking towards me.
My heart was racing and as soon as I saw her my eyes filled with tears.
I gave her a big hug and kiss and told her I much love her. 
Then I quickly ushered her outside so I could put my sunglasses back on.
She sounded soo sweet telling me all about her day.
She had no idea I was silently crying as we walked home.
She doesn't know of the evil that happened that day. 

 20 families had missed their smiling child greeting them after school.
20 families had missed the daily update on the way home.
20 families wouldn't be sitting down to dinner as a whole family that evening.
20 families wouldn't be letting their child stay up a little late because it was Friday.
20 families wouldn't be getting the goodnight hugs and kisses.

How do we comprehend what happened?
How can we?

All I know is that since that day I start crying at the drop of a hat.
I haven't watched the news in a week.
I appreciate every little hug and and kiss that much more.
I watch and listen to my daughter play, in awe of her precious innocence.
I felt a twinge of pain in my heart watching her at her school Christmas concert.
When she lost her first today Saturday night I thought of the parents who
will now miss out on all the little things. 

It hurts to know there are hundreds of children who lost their innocence that day.
Hundreds who are now terrified of a place that should be a safe haven.
How long will it take for them and the victim's families to heal?
There are soo many questions we will never know the answers to.
 My hope is the children and families will, in their own time, find peace.

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